Why Wine is Absolutely Necessary in Life–Not What You Expect

As this is a wine blog, and hopefully, people reading it won’t judge me too much for saying wine is a way of life, I have to share what’s going on in my current world to explain.

As a mother of a five-year-old girl who is quite the head-strong perfectionist I totally deserve, it has come to a point in her life where she (slash me) is trying to figure out what extracurricular activity might suit her best. Now that I have finally realized if I suggest it, she will not even consider it, I have stopped trying to say how “cool” piano lessons are or what a great idea it is to take ballet.

Actually, I wasn’t quite sure what Cynthia might love to do until a couple of months ago when she stood in front of our church congregation and sang so vehemently, my mother-in-law whispered, “You didn’t tell me she had a solo.” The reason I didn’t tell her was because she didn’t. She was just singing so loudly that you could not hear any of the other children.

Seeing this sight, this absolutely precious, adorable, loud sight of a child performing as if her life depended on it led me to talk to her about our community theater’s upcoming performance of Charlotte’s Web, the chosen play for the summer.

I decided Cynthia may really enjoy a real-life play with other children and performance-minded adults. What Cynthia said in return has tormented me for weeks.

Her little hazel eyes looked up and me, and she said, “I would love to be in it if you’re in it, too.”

Why wine is absolutely necessary #1: After saying yes to my conniving, I mean sweet-as-sugar daughter, I felt the overtaking urge to grab a glass of Vinho Verde from Portugal and sip the bubbles right out of it.

Our amazing director and incredibly talented commuity-theater revivalist allowed me to take the role of the cynical sheep (only after the child I used to baby-sit turned it down).

Why wine is absolutely necessary #2: As if I have the slightest ability to memorize lines while I memorize the grams per liter of residual sugar in Vin de Paille, I realize way too late, I have taken on way too much. Let the Gruner Veltliner flow because this time I need something a little more substantial to get my ewe on.

Practices begin. Darling children everywhere. Lots of opinions. Funny props. Long practices.

Why wine is absolutely necessary #3: When you get home at 9:30 p.m. and have been at play practice since 6:00 p.m., you start realizing a lot of your wine drinking time is being compromised. A total injustice, you need to splurge and possibly open a bottle that will allow you to stop thinking about what you are supposed to say after Wilbur’s line regarding if he’ll be turned into smoked ham. Can you say Prosciutto? Freudian slip: Can you say Rioja?

Why wine is absolutely necessary #4: You arrive at play practice and see a full-fledged, wool-sheep costume ready to wear by you and you only. At 34 years old, I assure you, nothing makes me seem less attractive than this get-up accentuated by white tights and a headpiece. Get out the Pinot Noir from Oregon that I have been saving for 6 months now. It’s a half-bottle, but I’m so tired, that’s all it will take.

So, here we are, the night before the “friends and family” performance, and the play makes me question why children ask so many damn questions and have so many friggin’ opinions. All right, it really makes me ask if children are even necessary. The costume is hot, the entire cast is exhausted, and the only beverages in the cafeteria are ginger ale, sunkist and diet pepsi. Putting that in writing makes me excited about the invention of a wine dispenser deemed legal only in areas where there is community theater featuring children.

Why wine is absolutely necessary #5: At this point in my career, you rarely think or appreciate just how great any glass of wine can be. However, on this particular evening, as I pull in the driveway at 10:15 p.m., I assure you wine has never tasted better in my life. This Australian Riesling from the Clare Valley could be the best wine I have ever drunk.

Until tomorrow night, that is.

See, it took a role as a sheep in Charlotte’s Web to make me appreciate why wine is absolutely necessary in my life.

Long live Wilbur and God bless Charlotte, but I am more than happy to be the sacrificial lamb.